When you feel like a mess
I remember sitting in a career counselor’s office, feeling very small in front of the large desk. He was kind and brought out a yellow notepad. I started to talk.
I thought I’d come to figure out the next place to go – what job made sense for me, where I should look, how I could translate my skill set.
Instead, I barely got into my story before the tears started to come. In bursts, I let myself say out loud some of the fears and feelings that I was too afraid to admit, even to those closest to me.
He didn’t tell me I needed to leave my job. He didn’t give me any advice at all (isn’t that what I’d come here for?). Instead, he asked me, “What do you think you need to do now?” And the answer came from me. I had to confront the truth and give myself permission to see it in front of me. And even though I made the decision to leave, I still had those complex feelings of grief, loss, shame and failure that I had to acknowledge and work through.
I’m thinking of this memory today, as I sit behind the desk, and facilitate coaching conversations with people who share some of these same feelings. Some decided they needed to leave for their health and wellbeing, and others were pushed out, laid off, fired.
Collectively, they want to figure out what’s next and are actively seeking better (often healthier) work lives. But getting there means wading through some muck of complicated thoughts and feelings in order to gain clarity and reach stable ground. I wish there was a faster, easier way, but unfortunately, it’s the muck that provides the greatest insights.
How to move through muddy uncertainty to gain career clarity
Say it out loud. The first step is to reflect and share out loud how your work loss is impacting your life and wellbeing. Getting it out of your head and sharing it with others offers permission to feel at a different level. It also affirms that we’re not alone in our feelings of loss, disorientation, and lack of self-confidence.
Write what you need the other person to hear. I worked with a client who had a positive outlook after a resignation. She was excited to look for a new job, but every time she went to apply, she talked herself out of it. In coaching, we realized she hadn’t moved past the way her mentor let her leave the organization. She was letting what went unsaid hold more weight than all the great successes she’d had in her role. I had her write out a letter to that mentor – a stream of consciousness, with no intent to send it – with everything and anything she needed to get off her chest. It brought up a lot of emotions she was trying to ignore, and she came to a deeper realization of what she feared in starting a new job search.
Give yourself permission to name what you need. I have about one call a week with someone who describes themselves as “a mess.” In response, I ask them to take away the ‘shoulds’ and what others think they need. Now, what are their truly unmet needs? It’s often clearer than you realize.
These steps are what I didn’t realize I needed when I was the one in pain. Someone to bear witness, to hold space for me to feel discomfort and safety at the same time, and to give myself permission to feel it.
If any of this resonates, I hope you know you’re not alone. You’re stuck in some muck. You might feel like a mess. But you can always move through it.
Are you feeling stuck and looking for coaching? Let’s chat.