Learning how to recognize and reframe self-doubt
We all know it. We all have it. It’s that critical voice in your head that seems to pop up just to make you doubt yourself. Unless we’re able to hear this voice with a discerning ear, it sounds like it’s your voice – and it’s affirming the negative thoughts and beliefs we already have about ourselves.
Coaching draws out the critical inner voice. As coaches, we’re often asking someone where they want to get to and what barriers are stopping them, and what’s preventing them from taking steps towards their desired outcome are commonly internal thoughts and ideas like:
“You’re not good enough.”
“Who are you to be here?”
“I need more experience/education to be successful.”
It’s equally common to feel like we should be able to just ignore these thoughts and move forward, but they often run deep and bring up feelings that can cause us to freeze. So, rather than ignoring it, we want to recognize it and reframe our relationship to this voice.
Why our inner critic exists
Our inner voice does exist for a reason. It’s there to protect us. As we grew up, it prevented us from potential emotional risk, like being hurt or disappointed.
Now, as grown and conscious adults, our inner protector is less necessary, but it can still be an ever-present voice in our head reminding us to play it safe. As a result, it can often serve as a barrier to going after what we really want.
Here’s an example
Maria recently had a performance review. She’s always prided herself on being a hard worker, and overall, her review confirmed this. But her manager also delivered some constructive feedback, and this feedback, however small, sent her body into fight and flight mode and it led her to essentially “shut down” during her review.
To help her understand and process this experience, we talked about what was going on in her head when she heard this feedback, which took a mental, emotional and physical toll on her body. What we got to was that while her manager was saying, “X,” what she heard was, “You’re lazy, fat and stupid.”
Digging a little deeper to understand where this was coming from, we were able to personify and recognize those messages as familiar taunts from childhood. From these early experiences, she developed a belief that she needed to work extra hard in order to prove she wasn’t lazy, fat or stupid. With this consistent - and self-critical - voice in the back of her head, she worked extremely hard and ultimately became a straight A student. But, the critical piece of feedback during her performance review fed right into her self-affirming message that she’s lazy, which brought up the paralyzing feelings and emotions.
So, how do we move through it…
We often hear, “Just ignore that critical voice in your head.” Or, we’re offered well-intentioned positivity and praise, “You have no reason to feel unconfident! You are the best candidate/worker/parent.”
From there, we often go to a place of ‘shoulds’ or blame:
“I should be able to do better…”
“I should be able to ignore it...”
“I’m a grown-up; what is wrong with me for feeling this way?”
But, our critical voice is really persistent; it is designed to protect you from risk - even at the expense of your personal and professional growth.
So, instead of trying to push it aside or ignore it, we need to reframe our relationship to that voice.
Step 1: Personify your inner critic
Like Maria, if you have an inner critic on repeat, you can likely attribute it to an experience that’s embedded itself in your subconscious memory. Digging a little deeper, you might be able to visualize it and add a persona to this voice. Putting a face or even a name to this persona allows you to distinguish this voice from your voice. Then, that voice is separate. It’s not the be all and end all. It’s one voice, not THE voice.
Step 2: Recognize that it’s here to protect you
Because this voice triggers physical signals - racing thoughts and excessive to-do lists for some, analysis paralysis and procrastination for others - you can start to recognize when it’s coming on. When you’re conscious of it, take a pause to recognize and acknowledge it for its efforts to protect you.
Say to your inner critic, “Thank you. I’m grateful you’re trying to protect me, but I can handle this.”
Step 3: Ground yourself in your personal values
What can often happen when we’re triggered by criticism and our inner critic is that we go out and seek external validation to reaffirm our self-worth. While this provides a helpful outlet (and it’s always nice to hear positive feedback), relying on others to inform our own sense of self-worth is not a sustainable long-term strategy.
Instead, if you’re hearing and feeling this criticism, try leading from a personal value. Consider what is most important to you, whether that’s Integrity, Family, Resilience to name a few. Consider what it might look like to move forward from that value, instead of from the voice of self-doubt. Reminding ourselves of what matters most to us can start to counterbalance, and hopefully outweigh the voice of self-doubt.
Why this matters
The costs of self-doubt are a loss of your talents, your ideas and your work being shared with the world. It’s the difference between pursuing work that fulfills you or sucks your energy. You deserve to quiet that inner critic and clarify what meaningful work looks like for your life - we all do.