The stories we tell ourselves
I’m going to tell you a story.
I met someone for coffee the other day and she gave me this download on about her career. This is the loose translation of what she shared:
I worked in hospitals for a while, then got burnt out and I moved cities. I did this other job - insurance - and liked it until I got pregnant and decided to take a safer job. I stayed in that job, while I also started a small business with a friend, but I had to wind it down because of the pandemic. Now I’m worried that my resume looks like I’m all over the place and that I’ve failed in keeping a job.
After she finished speaking, I asked a few questions – digging into parts of her story she either rushed through or maybe didn't feel were worth sharing – and I restated to her what I heard:
“I have a passion for kids having access to quality mental health care, so I worked in a really well-renowned hospital system supporting kids as they got access to care.
After a few years, I felt burnt out from the intensity of the role and the intensity of the city I lived in. I got entrepreneurial. I studied and got certifications so I could sell insurance. I learned a new industry and enjoyed it. When I got pregnant, the idea of working in a role that relied on commissions made me feel nervous, so I found a role that seemed to combine these things I care about: I worked for an organization that supports kids' health and was part of their medical billing and finance team. The role and the mission of the organization seemed to fit for where I was in my life.
After a few years, I still had energy and creativity to get out, so I started a business with a friend of mine. We created an impact in our community and I loved it. The pandemic hit and that changed all of us. Now, I left my safe role and am scared to figure out what comes next.”
This is the same person. And both of these stories are “true”.
The stories we tell ourselves
If the first story is the one we tell ourselves when we’re feeling stuck in self-doubt and uncertainty, the second is how we hope to be seen – it’s expansive, self-compassionate and whole.
How we talk about ourselves matters to how we feel about our self-worth. This person was in a safe space to share how she was honestly feeling in that moment. At a human level, I want to honor those feelings.
And, I heard a narrowness, an incompleteness in her telling, as if she was trying to stick as close to the “facts.” I heard what I hear from so many women, who feel like they can only tell the objective and uncontested “facts” about their career path.
But what’s also present in her statement – as with so many others – are the cultural narratives we’ve taken on as workers and as women.
Let’s take a closer look…
I worked in hospitals for a while, then got burnt out and I moved cities. I did this other job - insurance - and liked it until I got pregnant and decided to take a safer job. I stayed in that job, while I also started a small business with a friend, but I had to wind it down because of the pandemic. Now I’m worried that my resume looks like I’m all over the place and that I’ve failed in keeping a job.
As workers in a capitalistic system, we learn to put the needs of our employers in front of our own. This person was working with high-needs patients who were in crisis situations, and doing so in chronically understaffed conditions. Her experience of burnout was not a personal failing but a rational response to the system she was operating within.
This person also lives in a country that doesn’t guarantee health insurance or offer employment protections when becoming pregnant or on parental leave. Those realities inform the very rational decision to change jobs when a major life event, including pregnancy and becoming a parent, happens.
Despite news reports about women ‘opting out’ or losing their ‘ambition’ to climb the career ladder when they become mothers, resume gaps or job titles that don’t follow a linear progression of advancement are normal… and demonstrate that our lives change.
What I heard
As I listened to her story, I heard her authentic leadership qualities – or the aspects of her character that can’t be formally taught.
Passion
This person knows what she cares about and how she wants to make a difference in the world. She may have veered off from working in a direct role, but her desire to make meaningful change didn’t disappear. In fact, she opened herself up to a new passion and built a business out of it. Her passion is the constant, whether as an employee, a contractor or entrepreneur.
Resilience
Her work life wasn’t supporting the full life she wanted to lead and she took the scary step to actively make a change in a new city and industry. She became a beginner again, gaining valuable experience and expertise, but when her work life wasn’t supporting the new life she created, she figured out how to move forward to something that would serve her current stage of life.
Self-awareness
This person knows herself and listened to what unmet needs she was experiencing and made pivots. She may have come to me at a low point in her self-confidence; yet she also presented her kernel of stuckness as the perception of others: “I’m worried what other people will think of my resume.” She may feel stuck or feel like her career trajectory will be unfairly judged or misunderstood, but she took the action step to reach out for support rather than blame herself.
All of these intangible qualities that organizations profess to be looking for are hard to capture on a resume.
A new story
The stories we tell ourselves – and get fed from the first time we’re asked "what do you want to be when you grow up?” – is that our career is an independent project. If we work hard, keep our resume updated, and get the best training and education, we will make it.
That might work for the first few years of your career, but I’m interested in what happens when life hits: time demands change, interests wane, exhaustion sets in, caregiving ramps up, etc. When that happens, we can’t try to do it all alone.
How you can make the shift
You can make this shift in narrative too. Here are a few ways to get started.
Say it outloud. Schedule a coffee or phone date with a friend and be clear with them that you’d like to do a 5 to 10-minute download on your career…with no advice given. You’re getting it out of your head and into a safe container with someone you trust.
Get professional support. Get support from a career and leadership coach who can ask the right questions and offer a compassionate and non-judgemental perspective on your career narrative.
Once you’re ready to re-write that resume, here are some tips to help you revamp it so you’re selling your career narrative. Rather than a list of what you’ve done, it’s a compelling highlight reel of what you’ve accomplished and the impact you want to have. Check out these tips to get started.
In short, reach out. You don’t have to do this alone.
Feeling stuck with your resume or career? Work with Reframe to find the right solution for you. Let’s chat!